No more escapism... cowardice...

Since young, i think life has been kinda too good & lenient on me... May it be work, at home, or whatsoever. Whenever things happen, there seems to always be someone solving the issue for me, without me racking my brains that badly. This has cultivated a bad habit of me just plainly giving up once a setback is encountered.

But ever since i entered Nursing as a full fledged nurse, there's a drastic turn of events. Mistakes, lectures, screw ups seems to be pretty never ending, pushing me to think of just ending this path once the bond ended & that was the only thing that keeps me going from day to day. This is what i meant by escapism, thinking that running away from it will keep you safe from everything but i was wrong. The more i fear it, the more i need to face up to it. I need more shit in my life to learn how to grow up, enough of all the good stuffs, it's time to welcome the devil who will make my life hell.

Earlier on, i kept on pushing away the chance of further studies for certain reasons, because i didn't really wanna waste my time anymore on studies & i was having self doubt, but the change of mindset came after i went for the induction program. i wanna do more for my patients, somehow or another, i feel that i can make it through well.

So i started thinking of upgrading via NYP. Though i know that i have to pay off another 2 years for studies & 2-3 years for the bond, i did think of going, not for money & other stuffs but for myself. It is another challenge & stepping stone.

I will take on the shit that comes along & nothing but the shit. Then will i understand the real true meaning of perseverance by challenging all the odds while pushing my way to success!!

The 2 words, "give up" shall cease to exist from this moment on, there's nothing else but to "push on"!!

Running nose on the go... Tap on full blast!!

Sick today, really falling sick after such a good long period of fabulous health. On MC for 1 day, by right the doctor gave me 2 days but i opted for a day koz it is my R/D tml so save another day of MC, before i get screwed for taking MC as well.

Took the meds & i guess il K.O within an hour or so for a good day of rest after battling with my nose for the whole of last night, plus my battlemate, which is one box of nice 3 ply tissue (good tissue papers don't cause that skin irritation under the nose! haha!!)

Thinking of transferring over to some kinda places like endoscopy koz of the office working hours. Let me contemplate for a while long before i really decide on the path that i am going for, still not really that exact on that.

Since i have gotten my car license, guess i do have a few more options opening up for the future path... I need to consider carefully what is it that i want before my final decision... No more time wasting koz i ain't young anymore...

The more you want me defeated, the more il stand up strong... Just you wait & see!!

I will learn to take in all the humiliation though it may not be meant for humans but more for dogs. If you think that status is something that is meant to be abused for scutiny instead of something more useful, just you wait & see that i shall not let you get to me so easiily.

I may not seems as strong as i am on the surface but do not provoke me till i have reached my limitations. Respect is meant to be earned not given as per you wanted just because of what you may be now. Superiority could have long gotten in your mind, letting you lose your sense of self respect, thinking that you are far more better than others.

But what makes you think that you are what you are when you have seems to lose the more important factor just when you thought you have gained the most important one?

Support or Superiority? Weight them well... :)

3692!! Damn!! the same 4 numbers again?!

arghh... it came out again not long after it was out recently... WTH?! lottery is such a pissing game to play with, wonder why my mum can play with it for so many years even after not winning anything more than a few hundreds to thousand? Pathetic to the max...

Usually i am not into this game at all unless the sixth sense comes chasing me to buy, like this blardy number... damn... money flew away koz i slept too much till i forgot about it... lol!

Whatever!! Irritating numbers... i never like numbers while i am in school...

Officially a licensed class 3 driver!!

wahahaha!! Passed my license liao, ho seh lor...!! No need to waste the money for any retaking etc & i can focus on some other stuffs... but sianz, koz no car to drive then the skills will go rusty de... haiz... Cars are made of metal plus an engine but so fkingly expensive... damn!!

Its our 1 year anniversary leh... so fast one year seems to just flew past like that, was reading on the backdated post & guilt started crawling up to me. Well, not that things are not going well between us but the guilt is due to my unfulfiling promise that i made to myself for him.

I did told & silently promised to myself that we will walk & fight together in the same direction, hand in hand, towards the goal that the both of us wanted, etc : to own a car. But it seems that i have been procrastinating too much & dragged him astray as well.

It doesn't seems fair to him koz this is the last thing that i wanted, to be his burden instead of battlemate... i am starting to detest this feeling in me & i feel the urgency to get something done somehow.

Not just for the sake of being answerable to my own conscience, as well as to the promise i gave him, koz i hate to be given or to give empty promises which leaves huge tonnes of disappointments behind.

Damn!! I should have bought the number!!

If any of you guys notices the number at the bottom right hand corner, it actually came out in the lottery last week!! Damn, thought it is just a starter prize but better than nothing mah. i had an instinct to buy it but then i clean forgotten about it till it was too late to do so.

Man... this has happened so many times, next time i shall follow my instincts closely...

There goes my $$$....

TP test coming soon! Must pass ah!!

Need to brush up my techniques for these last few lessons, to be fully prepared for the practical test. Kan cheong ah, koz i really don't wanna waste money retaking anymore & i cannot afford the time. Must pass once & for all then i can focus on others, can't possibly do so when i am worried about TP & trying to have full focus on another.

Fatigue is creeping up on me... badly!!

Was at work today & i totally felt like i am more of like a zombie dragging myself ard the ward more than a human, koz i am drained out of energy & human like brain cells that is necessary for work. Dizzy spells, nauseating feeling, so damn freaking tired to the max makes me wonder what is happening to my health... all of a sudden it feels like my immunity is failing me soon. But thoughts works stronger than anything so i keep telling myself that i gotta get thru the day in one piece and then that's the end of the shit for the day.

Till now i am still having the headaches, but i will go to work still, regardless of what may happen, i will be there. Not for anyone but myself, my conscience...

To NYP or not??

Due to my 3.5GPA, i am being selected for the upcoming 2.5 yrs nursing diploma for NYP, but seriously i am not really excited by the idea of it.

1. I don't wanna waste another 2.5yrs when i can do something else with it

2. I really cannot see the value of a diploma anymore.

3. Money matters more to me than studies.

4. 2 siblings in uni & family needs the money.

5. I have some other plans rather than be a slave to others like that.

6. I don't like the feeling of being a staff nurse, it seems to be a huge torture, both mental & physical.

7. I am in the search of something more meaninigful & fulfilling, not killing patients indirectly with all the western shit.

8. I can no longer trust western medicine when i see the piles of it that my patients take, thinking that is to 'prolong' their life when it is actually more harm than help

9. The paycheck sucks to the max & progression is far too draggy, i don't have the time for all this time wasting shit.

10. When you work, you are working for the corporation's success, then who really bothers about your own success then?

11. For the first 10 reasons, i have successfully stated why not, so why should i go??


One may think that i am one stuck up bitch but so what, why should i give a damn about it?

i have the right to choose isn't it? Doesn't mean that SNM questions me why not, i will have to agree, koz even she doesn't have that right to do so.

The simple reason is because, it is my own path of life, not anyone's else & i shall not let it be controlled by anyone else.

No one else is qualified to decide what i should be doing, i am the only qualified one!!

Emo shit

Feel like shit, mood like shit, loss of appetite, thinking too much... Dun feel like doing anything today, just wanna sleep the day away but too bad, i am already outta the hse.

- Hate it when the emotional mood swings comes along like that.
- Hate it when i am like that.
- Hate it when i dunno where i am supposed to go koz i feel the sudden loss of direction.
- Hate it when i am disappointing myself, him & my own expectations.
- Hate it when i see others fighting so hard for themselves & i am just staying at the same spot still.
- Hate it when the cannot-be-bothered attitude starts surging upon me & engulfing the whole of me.
- Hate it when i am supposed to be doing something about this shit but yet i cannot feel & find the will or determination to.
- Hate it when i seems to be having this half hearted or 3 mins heatwave for whatever stuffs.
- Hate it when i am almost 26 but yet i feel like an immatured 18 yr old.
- Hate it when i was once so enthusiastic about it then now i am complaining too much on it too.
- Hate it when i am still the useless daughter that cannot seems to contribute much to my family.

So be it i like it or not, i will need to change the above-mentioned shit to something that i myself can be proud of, & stop screwing my life like the way it is now because it pisses the shit outta me, making me feel so upset about all that tonnes of shit i need clear... Damn all the blardy shit!!

2nd slot of night duty

Hmm... seriously i dunno what to blog now koz mind is kinda blank after all the clearing of administrative shit as well as real shit. Still surviving well, though slow but at the least i am improving gradually.

Oh Yeah! I f**kingly left my locker key which is hung together with my staff pass & SNB certification hanging at the locker & happily left for home in the morning. The best thing is that i only realise it when i was at the lobby level of my block entrance today evening, as one needs to show the staff pass to get thru the gantry. OMG~~!!! I am really stoned out to this extend le lor... Haiz... nearly died of AMI koz my uniform & shoes are all in the locker so i will constantly remind myself to be more alert. *Wake up!*

K la, time to get back to work, shouldn't break for too long then leave the poor peeps dying out there... One more night to go!!! Yippee!!!

LOVE

These are the Keys to a Loving Lasting Relationship ~ Enjoy!

~ Love one another with all your heart.
~ Giving more than taking.
~ Don't ever take your relationship for granted.
~ Have heart-to-heart talks and communicate well.
~ Be trusting, playful, intimate and kind.
~ Appreciate all the little, special things.
~ Recognize that time spent together is a treasure.
~ Make the most of what each day brings.
~ Know that nothing is sweeter than the warmth of one hand within another.
~ Walk together in the direction you want to go.
~ Be supportive and sharing and open to changes.
~ Always continue to grow.
~ Cherish this blessing which so few truly find.
~ Have dreams to reach out for through the years.
~ Share one another's smiles through the good times.
~ Be everything to one another through the tears.
~ What your time together lacks in quantity, make up for with quality.
~ Call to say "I love you" in the middle of the day.
~ Keep your sense of humor and hold on to your hopes.
~ Don't let work or worries get in the way or vent it on the innocent other.
~ Make love a sanctuary and a celebration.
~ Make each moment more precious and each season more glad.
~ Realize how lucky you are to be two. . . together.
~ And make the best memories any two people ever had

Relaxing Monday away from the ward... Phew!!

Glad to be away from the ward on a monday when things are so hectic in the morning. Though i do not have an off day or rest day like i usually will but this is better than nothing mah. Anyway, i am just lazing now & then, not really in the total shutdown mood. Yawn... feeling sleepy after a nice breakfast. Am thinking of what to eat for lunch. Hmm... Kopitiam or Houseman leh?

Still need to go over to take stuffs from bananawoman after work, haiz... thought that i can go over to his hse for a good dinner... maybe il just go over to her hse later la hor? Food comes first for a pig man!! wahhaha!!

Have been thinking about some stuffs lately... My attitude towards nursing has kinda changed, not that i am no longer being enthusiastic about but it is just that i am thinking if i should go long term in it, something that i really thought i will but now i am having the second thoughts.

I don't mind being in the line still but i need something else that is satisfactory enough to substantiate my spendings, which nursing obviously cannot as the pay is so damn dirt cheap to the lowdown fact that gets me thinking, "are we nurses. slaves, PR officer or all in one?"

I desperately need to believe in my beliefs and not let it be hidden under my self doubts so easily... I Have & Must Believe!!!

Raging Hormones = The Devil's Mood swings

I am feeling like shit these days. really like shit. Don't feel like going to work, office, or even doing anything. Dunno y. Temper is boiling within me like a stew of slow soup cooking & the temperature is gonna reach the boiling point real soon. Irritable, No-smiles face, mouth with gold attitude, feel like smashing some stuffs on the floor. Think i am getting pissed with something but dunno what is it. Dammit! whatever. Don't wanna type anymore. Even writing it out cannot appease the domant volcano from rising up to Earth soon.

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